Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Email Humor Making the Rounds
By greenboy - 3-3-06
NEWS FLASH: In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
DICTIONARY OF REPUBLICANISMS:
* Update * Got some funny additions from various sources:
*Update 3/7 - got a few more!! *
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By greenboy - 3-3-06
NEWS FLASH: In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
DICTIONARY OF REPUBLICANISMS:
- habeas corpus n. archaic (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).
- healthy forest n. A forest clearing; grassland.
- honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g. "Freedom is on the march."
- House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.
- laziness n. When the poor are not working.
- leisure time n. When the wealthy are not working.
- liberal(s) n. 1) enemy, nemesis; 2) Followers of the Antichrist.
- neoconservatives n. Chickenhawk nerds with Napoleonic complexes.
- 9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy.
- No Child Left Behind interj. slang. "Are there no prisons? Are there no orphanages?".
- ownership society n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
- Patriot Act n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
- pro-life adj. Valuing human life until birth.
- Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to$30 million.
- simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
- staying the course interj. slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
- shit happens interj. slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian.
- voter fraud n. A significant minority turnout.
- Wal-Mart n. The nation-state, future tense.
- water n. Arsenic storage device.
- woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child.
- woman n. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men.
* Update * Got some funny additions from various sources:
- Bush: n. an incompetent bungler or ignorant buffoon, as in: "If this Bush were President, the whole country would go to hell."
- deficits: n. (a) something that doesn't matter. (b) an inability to do simple arithemetic; also learning disabilities with math in general.
- heckuva job: slang, ironic pejorative: piece of crap.
- Prescription Drug Plan: idiomatic, anything hopelessly confusing; syn. see: cruel hoax, elder abuse.
- compassionate conservative: n. someone who does not like to see others suffer and so ignores them.
- theory: n. a wild guess
- science: n. a bunch of theories
- Social Security reform: n. program which proposes to privatize the "social" and introduce risk into the "security".
- death tax: n. attempt by the rich to really take it with them.
- Patriot Act n. 2. Destroying the village to save it.
- ocean n. Mercury storage device. Once contained life.
*Update 3/7 - got a few more!! *
- immorality: The sexual behavior of others and their responsibility to conform to the expectations of others
- faith-based: Based on a wild guess and the say so of others repeatedly exposed as charlatans and criminals, with an almost proud contempt for evidence and reason. Cf: evidence based
- freedom: We literally cannot define the word or identify it, but we love to talk about its high price (for Americans only; it's free in Holland and Canada where they also have more of it). Currently being traded by the American people for Bush's magic beans.
- democracy: The loathsome process by which the people of a nation such as France agree that the Americans are making a big mistake and then have the unmitigated Gaul (sic) not to make it with them and then witness their graceless national snit in response.
- medical benefits: Pfizer's reward for greasing the Medicare drug benefit boondoggle through the Congress.
- national security: Anything embarrassing to the administration such as wire tapping its citizens without warrants. If Al Qaeda suspects that their communications are under surveillance, they might.. uh.. er.. attack us! Or stop plotting to attack us using their phones, faxes and computers. Lives hang in the balance!!!
- treason: Disagreeing with or opposing the will of the of George "Uncle Sam - Big Brother" Bush
- less government: Less oversight by governmennt of corporate excesses while micromanaging ordinary citizens with regard to medical marijuana, assisted suicide, data mining, abortions, airport travel, etc., etc., etc., etc.
- lower taxes: But only the wealthy (estates, capital gains) and their corporations (capital gains, FICA) with the difference being absorbed as losses to the lower and middle class's safety net (Medicaid, unemployment benefits, college grants, etc., etc., etc., etc.
- compassionate conservative Dick "F---- you" Cheney and his cold, black, mechanical heart.
- "I'm a uniter not a divider" - here comes another civil war: red vs blue.
- "I'm not a nation builder" - here comes yet another civil war: Shiite vs Sunni vs Kurd.
- "You're doing a heckuva job Brownie" - how about a white New Orleans. Could have resulted in racial war.
- "social security needs fixing" - war on the elderly
- "government doesn't work - anymore (thanks Brownie)
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